catholic church mmbership

Number NINE baby for misspelling membership ...

I have been indexed high for various phrases including "chruch" as well. Also I was near the top at one point on "excuses to avoid the in-laws" although my ranking has slipped tremendously since apparently legitimate scholarly research has developed in that field.

Why I Became a Catholic referenced by Amy Welborn

In a nutshell, through a long period of study and reflection I simply became convinced that the Catholic Church really was founded by Jesus, grown from a small mustard seed into a mighty tree, as he promised it would. In studying Catholic doctrine, which formerly I had been told was “man-made” and had nothing to do with scripture, I found that it is actually more consistent with scripture than the Evangelical theology I had studied before. In fact, it is completely consistent with scripture – I still cannot find a single contradiction, when studied and understood at depth. And I have been a studious Catholic for nearly 10 years, and am now earning a master’s degree in theology.

In coming to the conclusion that the Catholic Church really was founded by Jesus himself, in person, I also realized that if I am truly serious about following him regardless of the cost, and really take everything the bible says seriously, like the parts about being one Body and not getting caught up in division and controversy (which is endless in the Protestant world, in my experience), then I must become a Catholic. My ancestors left Catholicism either by choice or by compulsion during the English Reformation (I don’t know which); regardless, I needed to reverse the break and come back into union with the original Church.

Wyoming church limits lesbian pair

This story has been increasingly appearing on Google News searches involving the Catholic Church which typically indicates it is picking up steam in some circles ...

From another article on the matter

“It’s surprising that it’s so specific and personal and being done through this letter,” Vader remarked, adding that the Church’s action “sends a big fat message to gay people.”

I am guessing the implication is that the Catholic Church hates gays right?

Seriously, how is this a news story? "Catholics shocked when Church continues to teach as it has for centuries and -- *gasp* -- ACTS upon it" .... Consider also that we have a priest on Fox News that would give Sean Hannity the same sanction and MOST people aren't outraged about it. Everyone knows the Church teaches against artificial contraception yet few people think that Catholic Church hates the majority of people in the US for using artificial contraception. However, when a priest in the Church comes out in a consistent manner against homosexual acts then it is clearly because the Church hates gays ... How does that follow? While the acts are obviously different they have some similarities and it can be said that they could be condemned for a common reason. They are both sexual acts that render the procreative aspect null. Both are condemned by the Church. Things I sadly have done in the past are condemned by the Church. If you were to follow the "hates gays" line of reasoning then the Church hates all of us.

Then again I think you would be missing out on some key points of the Catholic faith if you thought that ...

Pope Ignores Protests to Restore Latin Mass -- See article here

This caught my eye the other day but I haven't been following the hubbub so I didn't comment on it. Fortunately others have commented .... This in particular struck me:

Catholic publishers in Rome are preparing new editions of the Latin missal

If true it ought to be interesting to say the least.

A Convert's Manifesto

What has been very instructive for me in the almost 2 years of being a Catholic - and a blogger - was to see how easy it is to go wrong, to become fanatical on the left or the right, how to , as John Paul II. said, to think that a piece of the pie is the whole pie. Another common mistake is to think that if one is against something liberal it has to mean being for something conservative, or vice versa.

The search for the perfect church eventually ends in the "church of me" - once the Catholic Church isn't "perfect" enough, one might go Orthodox, or SSPX, heck then SSPX might not seem "perfect" enough anymore and one joins SSPV etc...in the end one'd be ordaining oneself. Community of saints: Population 1

So, as an exhortation to myself and everyone - keep a close watch, but don't use a microscope. And, to adapt a corny saying, be the change you want to see in the Church.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I found myself early on after my conversion so angry about the things that were wrong that I lost sight of the reason I converted in the first place. It has taken a while for me to realize that the Church I converted to is a hospital for the sick... it is for the sinner and for the to-be saint. Eventually you find your niche. Eventually you see that Church history has seen a swinging pendulum correcting conservative and liberal excesses to pinpoint the truth somewhere in the middle. You also come to realize that the Church solves problems in eras not weeks.

See My own struggles with the people in the pew next to me especially the "dynamic unique to Catholicism"

Found this interesting link on HMS

A Right for Moms and Babies

I am curious ... are there women out there getting arrested for breastfeeding in public? In these United States?

What widgets do you hate?

The ones that ask me to buy stuff ... especially stuff that happens to be contrary to the faith. Also pages with actual songs are irritating. Playlists I like ...

Tradition and Traditionalism: The Theological Critique

Good discussion going on at Holy Whapping ... A little over my head (I, lest anyone get confused, am NOT a philosophy major) but interesting still.

The Catholic truth / teaching that "did it" for you

Depends on what time frame you are referring to. Its unchanging teaching on contraception opened me in a way that really set the stage for my eventual conversion. In the end though, its teaching on authority AND the historical ability to demonstrate it with 2000 years of rock solid unchangable truth is what did it. I will drag up some old posts or elaborate in the near future ...

Former advocate for female priests now explains Vatican's stance

"The tradition is traced to the will of Christ, not to decisions made by the church," Butler said last night at St. Joseph's Seminary, where she has taught for four years.

The church's teachings must be better explained, she said, because many Catholics see the all-male priesthood as a symbol of patriarchal power and sexism, and many more who stay silent are probably befuddled.

That is why the pope said quite firmly...

... I declare that the Church has no authority whatsoever to confer priestly ordination on women and that this judgment is to be definitively held by all the Church's faithful."

--Pope John Paul II, Ordinatio Sacerdotalis, May 22, 1994

Venice (FL) bishop forbids VOTF meeting

Espicopal spine alert ...

I was watching the teli last night and there was a million dollar cars auction show. I got rare chills from seeing a car I had never seen before. After that I was convinced I had found one of the most beautiful cars ever made ... it is a beauty. See for yourself.



If you look around the net long enough you will find this car on many "10 most beautiful cars ever" lists. Of course its auction price places it well out of the means of most of its admirers. A cool three million plus it will set you back ... and of course with only 16 made you are looking at few opportunities to snag one of these beauts.

At least there are photographs and car shows eh?

From Mark Shea ... Good news!

The DC archdiocese and Baltimore archdiocese have hit us up recently for donations. Why? Their seminaries are bursting at the seams.

GERMAN BISHOP'S REMARKS ON AT-HOME MOTHERHOOD AND DAYCARE CONTROVERSIAL
CONDOMS NOT WORKING IN BOTSWANA - IMPORTANT!

I wonder how many years before the wisdom of the ages thwarts so called modern ideas. If only they knew that society has been there and done that ... over and over and over again.

The Catholic Church is the only thing which saves a man from the degrading slavery of being a child of his age.

--G. K. CHESTERTON

Leave it to the Ninth Circuit ....

NINTH CIRCUIT DECLARES RIGHT OF GOVERNMENT TO CENSOR THE TERMS "NATURAL FAMILY," "MARRIAGE" & "FAMILY VALUES"

The court concluded that municipalities have a right to literally dictate what form an employee's speech may take, even if it is in regard to controversial public issues. Shockingly, the court concluded that the interest of Christian employees in speaking out on the issue of marriage is "vanishingly small" and that the "administrative" interests of a city are more important than speech rights.

.... and if this is any indication then Lake Charles is blessed indeed.

See Catholics look forward to new Bishop

A few items worth "looking" at

Miraculous image in Columbia

... and a trio from The Cafeteria Is Closed

Window, Sts. Peter and Paul, San Francisco
Houston Cathedral nearing completion
A new altar decoration in Redemptoris Mater chapel -- and its possible significance ...

Just so you know ...

Natural Family Planning Method As Effective As Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds

The symptothermal method (STM) is a form of natural family planning (NFP) that enables couples to identify accurately the time of the woman's fertile phase by measuring her temperature and observing cervical secretions. In the largest, prospective study of STM, the researchers found that if the couples then either abstained from sex or used a barrier method during the fertile period, the rate of unplanned pregnancies per year was 0.4% and 0.6% respectively.

WOW ... I would not expect this from a non-Catholic source unless they were friendly to the method. This is excellent news indeed. One of the common complaints I hear from doctors is high suspicion about its effectiveness. I know it works despite the fact that we have four children. We CHOSE that route and it is the reason we were pretty sure we were pregnant before we even took a pregnancy test. In fact, I cannot remember buying a pregnancy test that didn't turn out positive and we always tested after suspecting we were pregnant from C-day.

To use a barrier method would be correctly labeled FAM, not NFP. It is not a method approved by the Catholic Church.

This is funny

Edits will surely be made in the future

A short overview of our previous births ...

Child #1 - Benjamin - Attempted natural birth, labored for well over 24 hours -- back labor -- got Demerol, epidural and he was delivered at 8lbs 12 oz. Face up, cord around the neck 3 times and once around the body. Forceps used to determine if he would fit, not really used to pull him through. His cord length was over 6 feet, which from the sound of the doctors and others we have talked to is some sort of record - smile. Level 3 episteotomy which tore all the way through ...
Child #2 - Gabriel - Doc recommended induction at 39 weeks. Everything went by the book, 8lbs 9 oz, Gabe retained for high breathing rate and fluid in the lungs, kept in ICU for 5 days, developed jaundice.
Child #3 - Audrey - Doc felt last birth went so well we would go with it again. Induced at 39 weeks, c-section for transverse position. Honestly, our best birth experience to date.

We had suspicions that Gabe and Audrey really both came too early although, as our doctors loved to point out to us, we will never really know. Mostly, however, my wife wanted to know that her body would go into labor naturally AND we wanted to avoid the negative consequences that could arise with multiple cesareans.

Since we desired to avoid a c-section this led us immediately to researching VBAC. Af first we considered a birthing center. This route was quickly shut off because the birthing center refused to take VBAC's because "they were under the watchful eye of the medical community". Then we considered a home birth. Why we decided not to homebirth can best be summarized by two things: 1. proximity to emergency care -- worst case 40+ minutes from a decent hospital. 2. almost all pro-homebirth research stipulates "low risk" births. VBAC is not considered low risk and the evidence on the safety of home VBACs is IMHO spotty at best.

The hospital that we used for Gabe and Audrey has a section rate over 50% and a 97% epidural rate. It also has policies that make VBAC extremely difficult to operate under. Our doctor at the time ONLY used that hospital and was not willing to go to a hospital with a more favorable environment for natural birth. Thus, at about 20 weeks, we switched doctors in order to be at the hospital better suited to our desires. Our new doctor is a young doctor in the practice that is most well known in town to support women wanting to have a natural birth including VBAC. At my wifes second visit the doctor started pushing for induction (not compatible with VBAC) for suspected macrosomia. This caused us to search for other doctors within an hours drive that might take our desire to VBAC a little more seriously as we had read that macrosomia is not a good reason to induce (see the ACOG position paper on VBAC). Meanwhile the birth center decided to start taking VBACs. Our decision to NOT choose that route was interupted by the high cost. We had friends who birthed there with identical insurance and our insurance would not cover over 2000 dollars of the cost AND they expected us to pay for 9 months of prenatal care even though we might only use 2-3 weeks of it. Successively all of the doctors we contacted called us back and told us they would not take us for some reason or another. All of this took time and in the end we were stuck with a doctor we needed to hash out our desires with DESPITE her objections -- and my wife was getting close to her due date. The doctor scheduled an ultrasound with the maternal fetal medicine doctor to determine the size of the baby. At 38 weeks the result came back at 8lbs, 4oz which, given the 20% error high or low told us nothing we did not already expect. My wife was likely to have a baby between 6 and 10 pounds. The maternal fetal medicine recommended a section IF my wife went to her due date. I began to think maybe there was something to her recommendation. All the while my wife was planning to go into labor before the induction date. The problem is, the induction date kept getting closer and labor was not starting. The night of the planned induction my wife was uneasy so she decided to go to adoration and conveniently was able to go to confession, mass and exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. In the end she felt at peace that God was asking us to trust Him and in this case, oddly, going to the induction seemed the right course to take. I felt at peace because I knew trusting God was the right thing to do.

At 1 am I woke up to take a shower and prepare us to go to the hospital. At 1:15 the hospital called and told us that there was no availability and that we would not be able to come in for the induction. I told my wife and she was relieved. Never did she think that trusting God meant to think something like this might happen. She still might be able to labor naturally -- and this is where she increasingly felt God was leading her. The hospital said they'd call to reschedule the following morning. No one called all day. The joy and relief increased until 10:00 that night. A nurse from Labor and delivery called to tell us we were "on the books" for midnight for an induction. My wife told her that she had no idea she was scheduled. But it didn't matter, because she was calling to tell us they were full again, and not to come in. My wife told her that was fine with me, as she didn't care to be induced anyway. The nurse said they'd call when they had a "free bed". They called again that night at 11: 30p.m. The nurse said "Do you want to come in and be induced?" So of course my wife said, "No." So she said my doctor would call the next day to discuss what to do. She also said my wife had the right to refuse any procedure. Besides, the whole family was asleep and we were completely unprepared to come in at a moments notice. Especially not with a houseful of sleeping little ones.

After the missed induction the following exchange happened (slightly edited for space -- written by my wife):

I just got through the conversation with the doctor, and it shook me up so much I had a good cry and got my dh to come home for lunch. I was really quite shaken up. I didn't want that to happen. But it's all actually better in the end. I am truly putting my trust in God now.

I called this morning so I could take the initiative and try to keep peace. I love things to be peaceful. Which may have been my problem in the first place.

First I was called back by a nurse, to whom I explained what happened last night with the scheduling of the induction and the fact that we simply weren't prepared. So she got the doctor call me back. I explained things to the doctor who said, "This was not an elective induction, they were supposed to cancel only elective ones. I am going to call the hospital and try to schedule it for tonight and I'll call you back."

So my heart sank a little, and I am thinking there's no way I'll get out of it now. I called my dh. He said "You have to go in if you have her go through the trouble of scheduling this. You can't tell her afterwards that you never planned to go through with it. If you want to be on her good side, then you have to explain things to her now." To him it's a matter of personal integrity and he's right. I have been dealing with this passively by trying to buy myself time and not confronting anyone.

So I called the doctor's office again, and had to leave a message with the receptionist. So I explained that I believed the docotor was at that moment scheduling me an induction and I wondered if she had already done it, and I wanted to speak with her about the timing of it if it was possible. At that point I was still thinking in terms of buying time. The receptionist told me that inductions are scheduled by labor and delivery based on when they have room, and that it's only done at night so that when the baby's born it will be during that day so that the doctor can be there and so that it won't have to be an on call doctor.

So I said, "Yes, I thought that was the reason. I'd actually prefer to do it during the day though so that I am not heading into introducing a new baby into our home after a sleepless night."

Here's where she actually got my dander up: "You have to think about the doctor's schedules. They'd have to be there in the middle of the night otherwise."

Unbelievable. A human being saying this. So I did get mad, and I said "That's what I thought. That's not fair to the patients. That's not caring for the patients, that's caring for the doctor's schedules."

So this little receptionist gets nasty and says "A) it is fair, and (there was never a B to this statement) you want this induction don't you?"

So I said emphatically, "NO! I DON'T! I NEVER DID! I am just trying to be a good patient here and keep everybody happy!"

Then the receptionist gets nice. And she says, "Oh! OK, now I understand, let me go get your chart."

So there's a long hold, and then I hear this low, calm voice saying "You must be patient Mrs. E(I'm omitting my name), you ....." At this point I am confused, because either a recording or God has come on the line. Then I realize it's Dr G. So I laughed and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't hear you, could you say that again?"

So to make a long lecture short, she proceeds to tell me that I must be patient and cooperate or they can't help me. And that I must respect their recommendations, (I said, "I'm trying to!") and the recommendation is to induce, and that it isn't about the doctor's convenience, but they are trying to help my baby, (?!?) and that I am being asked to labor through the night so that when the baby is born, more anesthesiologists and other people will be on staff and available to help me should anything go wrong (since we know it will right?), and that it can't be done during the day and that they took me on late in my pregnancy and that I then didn't show up for 6 weeks,(This was the period of time during which I was looking for another route for having this baby) and that I am coming to an ObGyn because they want to keep my baby safe, and that I have to cooperate or they can't do that. And then she says she won't tolerate me being nasty to her receptionist. I said, "What? I WASN'T!" So now she's making things personal. She put this all in the same terms as another doctor I had recently read about on a message board who's patient also didn't want to be induced. (This doctor chewed her patient out saying things like "You will listen to me", "I will write this on your chart" etc). I was think she was reading that thread from that message board as a script, which was partly why I was so shocked it was actually happening.

I then said "I am completely flabbergasted, I am in shock. I have no idea what to say."

More lecture... I don't remember what all she said, I was so shocked. I felt like I was in the principals office. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was just more of the same that I wrote above.

Then I just decided to spill my guts since there was no dignity left in this conversation anyway. So I said "This whole process has just been horrible for us. This pregnancy we've done so much more research than ever before, and we've been trying to make the best possible decision, and we've just been totally surprised at every turn, when every doctor's and hospital's recommendation in this area has been against what the research we've read has pointed to being the best thing to do. We don't understand it, and we're very frustrated that with as much self-education as we've done, we're not being allowed to make our own decision on this, when we feel like we have done enough research to be able to make a good call. I don't believe that shoulder dystocia or macrosomia are good reasons to induce me, I know I tore all the way through with my first, but I don't consider that being stuck by the bones." And somewhere in there I went on and on about how I never wanted to end up with animosity between anyone on this, and how I hate confrontation and conflict, and I never wanted to bring that into this, and I said, "If I said anything wrong to your receptionist I sincerely apologize, I never wanted that to happen. I've really wanted to keep everyone happy here."

So then she becomes nice. And she says, "OK then we could just change our course of action here and let you go into labor naturally and if it ends of in a section (can't remember if she said "if" or "when"), then we'll know."

I jumped on that and said, "YES! That's what I'd much rather do. I'd much rather have a section under those circumstances than to be induced in the first place." Um, hello, that's what I asked for when I very first came into her office.

Then she says, "OK, we're on the same page here. I like to work together with my patients. You are a good mom, and a good patient."

I laughed and said, "OK, I thought I was losing that battle!"

Then she says, "I'm flexible...." I don't remember what all she said after she put on her friendly hat.

So I then went on to assure her that we do respect her as a doctor, and that we're coming to an obgyn because we do acknowledge that we need assistance, but we also have strong convictions about our desires for this birth, and what we'd like to try. yada yada yada.

I hung up the phone and was so shaken up I burst into a violent fit of tears. My 2 year old decided to help by bringing me a pancake.

It took me a while to recover from all this. But here I am.

I have wondered if I did the right thing, and am a little bummed by having to get all stressed out about it again. So I am trying to relax. I just don't feel like the doc really is on my side in spite of what she says. But I knew that in the first place. I just hate having everything hit the fan. I like when everyone likes everyone else.

She did say that if we get to 41 weeks, then she'll want to induce again. I said that was fine.

A second ultrasound was scheduled closer to the due date in order, presumably, to help us see that we should be induced. The second ultrasound came back with a weight of 10lbs 9oz. The maternal fetal medicine guy recommended the same course as our doctor. In the end they agreed that a repeat section was the best route. They agreed to support a "trail of labor" but to be quick to move to section if things did not progress according to the "curve".

For the remainder of the story, I will leave it in the words of my wife

On Wednesday, February 7th, we had an appointment with the doctor. I was dilated to 3 cm maybe 4, still about 50 % effaced, as I had been for 3 weeks and 2 days at that point. I had been having contractions all morning, so I asked the doctor to try to sweep the membranes. She did, and said there was nothing left attatched and it felt like the mucous plug was still gone too. I continued to have light contractions all afternoon, and also pink or bloody show. Then, everything stopped but the show continued, without being bloody. Thursday went by, and I had been feeling low pressure in the front of my abdomen off and on that day. It felt like the baby was pushing hard way down low in the front. I found out that this sensation was often associated with the thinning or ripening of the cervix. I was encouraged that something was happening and some work was being done. By this point in time I was getting worried, since I knew labor would be induced, or we'd have to go straight to a c-section if I didn't spontaneously go into labor on my own. I was already extremely uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping, and doing daily tasks because of the tremendous size of the baby. I could tell he was big, I had no doubt about that. I just wondered if the doctors were right and if it was possible for a baby to grow inside my body which would be too large for my body to deliver. This was a scary thought and I just kept praying, and and asking for wisdom and for a safe and healthy outcome for us all. I read the books of Romans, James, Philippians, and Wisdom. The 3rd chapter of Proverbs was immensely important as well. Especially verses 5 and 6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I leaned heavily upon those ancient words of Solomon's throughout this entire journey. I also found alot of help and comfort and advice in Romans especially.

Friday morning at about 9 the low abdominal pressure started again and became more rhythmical. I thought it must be contractions. I relaxed by watching travel and nature shows on HD TV. My dh came home for lunch and stayed. My mom took the kids to her house. Not at my request, but she knew I was having contractions, and she decided to take them. I wasn't convinced anything was happening. We waited, and timed these sensations, which were about a minute long and 5 to 10 minutes apart. Mostly 5 minutes apart. We went for walks around the neighborhood 3 times, and the sensations, which weren't painful, but slightly uncomfortable, continued. I took a few warm baths. By bedtime,I was very tired, and even though things had become stronger and closer together, I knew I had to sleep before I could go in anywhere, and I went to bed, and so did William. We slept very well. Audrey had come home to sleep and needed a good bit of comforting from her daddy that night, so it was good we were still home. I only woke up 4 or 5 times with contractions that were somewhat painful. When I got up at 7 am, I felt much better and took a warm bath. The contractions started up again soon afterwards and were much stronger. We called our doula. I asked her what she thought was going on. She said my body knew it needed sleep and actually stopped to let me get some. She said to wait for 3-2-1, or 3 minutes apart, for 2 hours, a minute long each to go into the hospital. or to wait until I could no longer laugh smile or talk through contractions and became very serious in between.

The kids were already at my parents house, and our oldest had a soccer practice that morning at 10. My parents took all the kids to that. We continued to monitor contractions. We decided to leave the house and go be near the hospital. Things were continuing, but we had no idea really what to expect, and we couldn't go to the hospital too early, because it would raise the likelihood of interventions being pushed on us which we didn't want. At this point I was beginning to learn that my body does in fact go into labor on it's own. And that doctors and hospitals aren't what make people have babies. But that it's a process which goes on all the same. This was gratifying to me to learn, because even though the *experience* of it, and the proof that I could and would do this and that nothing is wrong with me or my body or my babies wasn't the *primary* reason we were doing this this way, it WAS a sidelight of high importance. It was a matter of psychological healing which I was grateful to experience.

Contractions were more painful and difficult to breathe through. My husband was more and more certain that we needed to be close to the hospital. We also needed to eat some breakfast. I had eaten a muffin and had a glass of milk earlier, but we decided to try to stop at the Chik-fil-a drive through and get some chicken biscuits and orange juice. I ate one of mine and couldn't eat the other. I had to stop to breathe through contractions. I also asked my dh to go into Target and get some food for the hospital part of this so we wouldn't be stranded without food and so our doula wouldn't starve either. He got organic gala apples, cranberry-orange-walnut muffins, a bag of Ghirardelli chocolate squares, and granola bars. Dad had brought over some orange water the night before, and I had that with us as well. I was trying to stay hydrated. While William was in the store, he set me up with the music playlist we'd made so I could relax through contractions while he was in there. He was quite nervous that things would progress rapidly while he was in there. Some of the music we chose is so beautiful it makes me cry every time I hear it. But it was still soothing. And some of it reminds me of my husband and it makes me relax to feel like I am with him. I also asked him to get out my tiny lavender pillows which my good friend Rachel had made for me as a Christmas present. They were a lifesaver through the contractions as was the music.

William got back in the car with the stuff from Target and we drove to the Rural Life Museum. We wanted to walk through the contractions and see what effect it had. Walking reduced the pain tremendously. We walked up and down the aisles of rose bushes at Rural Life, and even discovered a bathroom which I visited about every 10 minutes. It was inside of a beautiful greenhouse made of brick and huge wooden beams and French windows and it had medieval looking iron ring candelabras hanging from the ceiling. Inside they were growing some hibiscus plants in flowerbeds directly in the ground. Standing inside this beautiful building and admiring it while I spent time in it's restroom, William got an idea for a cathedral design with plants growing inside, since it had such a beautiful and holy and life giving atmosphere. This part of our experience also gave us the idea of having a birth center with private grounds for woman to walk through during labor.

I was becoming very tired and needed to sit down. Even though I felt like seeing absolutely no one, and I had observed that contractions felt much worse while sitting, I decided I wanted to change the scene and go enjoy a cup of mocha at CCs. I also wanted to experiment with the situation because I was feeling discouraged that nothing seemed to be changing. We went to CCs, and I was able to spend about 30 minutes there sitting by the window with dh as if it was a perfectly ordinary Saturday and we were just out for a cup of coffee. It was really very peaceful. It was wonderful to know we could labor under such pleasant circumstances and even enjoy the day.

We then decided to walk some more. I decided that being around people was making me more brave to walk through contractions because it was forcing me to mask the pain as much as possible, and walking helped so immensely with the pain. We went to the mall. We walked, and looked at the shoes, and a new furniture part of one store which had a massage chair in it. I sat down in it and experienced the demonstration which was nice but which proceeded into the "percussion" portion of the demo, which I hadn't pressed the buttons for. It was pretty hilarious but it progressed into a few pretty hard contractions. I shut that off and we had a good laugh and kept walking. We went to the Godiva store and I got a coconut truffle, and dh got a vanilla one. We walked some more, and I got very tired again. I went to the restroom at the mall about 4 times while we were there.

We went back to the car, and decided to go to the hospital and walk around outside of it. We had occasionally timed things. The contractions were now 3-5 minutes apart, sometimes farther. Somewhat irregular, as always. Still difficult, but not getting much stronger. Walking was easing things so much, but I was also getting very tired. AT 1:30 we got to the hospital and walked around for about half an hour. I was getting very discouraged at this point, becuase it had been all day and I didn't know what to look for, or if this was really it, or if we were just exhausting ourselves and if we needed to go home. I wanted to get into a bath. I wanted to lie down and sleep. We decided to check into a hotel across the street from the hospital to use the tub there and rest. I was very thankful for that time. I laid on the bed and listened to beautiful and soothing music that caressed my mind and heart while I went through the pain. There was a ladybug on the ceiling, and a picture of Tuscan countryside on the wall, and a view of trees out the window. I rested, and the contractions got more intense. The bath helped immensely. But I was also getting panicked that this phase was never going to end. I was exhausted and the contractions weren't telling me anything. Nothing seemed to be going anywhere, just this perpetual unprogressing situation. William calmed me down, and then the contractions seemed to get closer. They were 3 minutes apart and one minute long. We went to walk around the hospital grounds again.

I crushed dh's hand with mine as we walked and things got closer and closer over about 3 hours. I still wasn't convinced because I was still able to laugh and talk between. We called the doula when things got 2 or 3 minutes apart and 60 to 90 secs long. She helped us sort out what was going on. As the sun went down, she walked with me, helped me to squat through contractions which took away my need to breathe heavily, but which hurt more intensely, and also more smoothly. William went to get something to eat. I didn't ask for anything because I was nauseated. It began to get cold. We walked around a small area with a garden of pansies and pink roses and a lovely wooden bench We used a windowsill to squat, and we discussed the situation. I began to shake and the contractions were such that our doula said I was making her nervous. But she liked the fact that we were taking control of things by not going in for so long. So I agreed to go in under the guise of just wanting to be checked, and if I was still at 3cm, I was going to leave. They let me in, after dh explained that I was in "early labor" and a nurse said, "then you should probably go take a nap". But she admitted us and someone checked me, I was at 7-8cm!!!!! WOW. I was so relieved. Contractions rapidly got harder, and I began to have to vocalize through them. It was a high pitched singing kind of thing I couldn't stop from coming out. The nurse saw I was trying to do this naturally, and said I wouldn't be strapped down. I was relieved. My spirits soared at that. Then they said I had to have a hep lock, and I was very upset. They said either that or a c-section. I was shocked. I was angry. I let them do it. I felt so defeated. I cried through the next contraction. I felt like the establishment had won and had started me down the road to failure. Dh calmed me down.

I wondered what would happen. I became very focused between contractions. I couldn't look at people. I looked mostly at the floor. I heard voices and listened to what I needed to. I focused. I breathed. I heard our doula tell me to sing out the baby because I was singing involuntarily and using it to help me. They did a non stress test, and the contractions were much harder while sitting on the bed for that. After the non stress test I squatted through some contractions, then I turned to the back of the bed and did some there. During this time, the on-call doctor arrived and began to get angry and demand records. It was the doctor who was recommended to us by a dear ObGyn friend of ours who believes very much in natural birth and who happens to be living in Africa at the moment. So we were relieved that it was him, but very surprised by his panicky demand for records. I asked him if he wanted to see my scar, he said he had to have the records. William told him what kind of scar it was. The contractions kept coming. He left and came back later with the records. He was angry because he could see that Maternal Fetal medicine had told us we'd be unlikely to succeed with this. He was no longer afraid because of this being a VBAC. He was afraid of the baby being too big. He got panicked again and lectured us about not sueing him. William assured him had no intention of doing so and that this was our choice of how to have this baby, and that we understood what shoulder dystocia was. The doctor left.

The nurses were supportive. Our doula encouraged me to have the baby without anybody's permission or knowing about it. "Right here on the floor" she said at one point. I was in a swirling kind of mind set by this time. I was just hearing and not seeing too much. I was very focused on resting between contractions. The contractions would hit with full force and no warning. It was quite shocking and I was already exhausted. We went to the toilet and tried a few which was excruciating. But *everything* was now. Absolutely no position was helping. I remember being on the floor and just wanting to go forward and onto hands and knees. Sometimes someone was there, and I just pushed into them, either dh or our doula. Sometimes they seemed in the way and I just pushed against them and they turned into a support. Then be on hands and knees, but I had no strength left to hold myself up. I could fall on the baby, so I asked for a birth ball. I got one, and suddenly I had some small bit of relief, but I couldn't control that or stay leaning on top of the ball. I though I was going to fall off of it. I didn't know what to do. I don't remember how I got up. Our doula told me to make lower sounds and let my body push the baby out. I tried this and when I made my voice go somewhat lower, it took over and I was suddenly overcome with this low grunting pushing sound and force that made me feel like my eyes were going to pop out. That also shifted me to another plain of horrific pain. And after that had happened a few times and there had been some more singing screaming contractions between, I was on the bed again. They checked me again, which was horrifically painful. Then I found out I had gone from 9cm to 8cm because of swelling. I didn't know what this meant, only that it was not necessarily ever going to end, but I that I wasn't going to go on anymore, even if the contractions did, I knew I wasn't in any more. They kept coming. I was out of my mind. I was afraid. I had heard someone say something about rupture when I was on the floor in a squat at one point. The pain was bad enough near my scar and all over that I believed this may have been the case. I panicked and gave up at that point. Also because I had lost all strength. I was tired beyond tired. There was no more of anything left. I knew I had given up I couldn't tell anyone and I couldn't un-give up. I just said I couldn't do it. To which they innocently responded that I could. They didn't know. It was gone and I was gone. I had to have medicine. I didn't care anymore, I couldn't remember why we were doing this. The baby didn't know what had happened. I didn't remember about the baby. I just knew all these people wanted me to get something out and that I could die after that. I had to end it by getting the thing out. I knew I could be free if I did that. I didn't care about anything else. I was going to finish it. They told me I couldn't push because of the swelling they kept saying they'd check in ten minutes. Somewhere in there I had gotten some Demerol. I was thankful for the hep lock then. I wanted more. It was over. I just wanted more. I heard people laughing when I asked for more. I still felt so much unbearable pain. I was being told not to push when I wasn't pushing some little breathing thing was supposed to stop the pushing. My body would do it anyway. I was doing the breathing thing, and I couldn't make it stop all the time. I pushed with my feet to try to stop it. I couldn't see anything but our doula's face. They checked me at last. I knew that if they said I couldn't push I was going to get the epidural. They said I was complete. I knew my body was going to push anyway. They told me to push with it on the next one. I did it. I don't know how. Maybe it was a swan song to me. The last thing I would ever do. I was told to push four times. They didn't know I couldn't. I didn't know I could. The baby came down. I felt the ring of fire on 3 of the pushes. I knew this was when they'd find out if he'd fit or not. He HAD TO FIT. That's what it was, I knew this was it for me. I was gone. There was no more me. He had to fit. These four pushes were all I had. And praise be to God they said his head came out and then his shoulders. The room had been swirling and spinning and blurry though all this. Somewhere in there I became aware that the doctor was actually using perineal massage. This was such blessing to me to know he wasn't rushing in to get revenge with scissors. I felt like he was on my side. The swirl of people and my legs in front of me was all I remember, and still being in pain. I remember the joy and tears that broke out somewhere, my doula cried, my husband cried. I figured I was going to die now. I wanted it to be over, but some things still hurt. It was much better the baby was out. I wanted the placenta out, and I wanted my legs down and I wanted to be left to die. I could feel the thread the doctor was using to sew me up I was told I'd had level 2 tearing along the old scar tissue. I kept asking when it would be over, when I could get more medicine. They gave me some Percoset eventually. I began to shake. My doula calmed me down I looked at her face for reassurance and answers. A nurse came and told me it was OK. And I had done it. I looked at their faces to find answers and reassurance, and eventually I began to calm down. I looked over at the baby. He was alive. It was nice to know. It took me 50 minutes to go from indifference to curiosity. I found out he had not been given formula. Our first not to have. I felt like I could even breastfeed, except I didn't think my arms would stop shaking to hold him. They did, I calmed down when I held him. We were OK. I couldn't believe it. Everyone said we did it. I was a little confused, but we were OK. Dh was OK. I was always glad he was there for our babies when I couldn't be. He always has been. He stood over the baby and looked into his eyes in his first moments of life before I could hold him.

I was rather shocked by this experience and it took me a long time to kind of assimilate everything. Looking back, I think I was too exhausted by all the walking we had done all day. I'm still trying to evaluate the whole experience, but overall the after experience has been much much better.

I just realized I didn't put any times of anything in here. We were admitted to the hospital at about 6, and the baby was born at 9:49. So transition was pretty long. Also the baby was 10 lbs 4 oz and was 21.5 inches long.

---

I wrote this account of the birth the day after it had happened. Now that some more time has passed, I have truly forgotten the horror of the pain. I know it happened, but I don't really remember how bad it was. I know now what people meant when they talked about hoping this would be a healing experience for me, and I know what they meant by this being an empowering experience. It's been healing in the sense that I trusted God, and He made my body and the baby to do this, and it worked. It's been empowering in the sense that as my doula kept saying, I owned every contraction. They were mine. I did it. I had this baby. The doctor only caught him, and stitched me up afterwards, but I was the one who had the baby. This has translated into a freedom in my own psyche to be able to trust my own instincts as a parent. When the doctors took the births of my children out of my hands, and told me I was "high risk", and I shouldn't trust my body, because it didn't work right, it was as if I was being told I was insufficient for the task of having children. That message carried on into my further distrusting my own instincts in making all sorts of parenting decisions. I felt much safer if I wasn't the one deciding what to do, because I wasn't to be trusted. After having taken back the gift of having children which God gave to me, I have such greater confidence in my own abilities to do things, to think and decide and take action. I went through that pain, and it didn't kill me, in fact it brought life. It was Redemptive.

Catholic church is growing outside traditional areas

Thus, Wagner and Hunter-Hall noted: "The church is ... most healthy in that region that is traditionally the least hospitable to it, and is least healthy in that region where it has the longest history, and in which are found the greatest concentration of Catholics (as a percentage of the population) and the largest number of Catholics."

Size is not always a virtue and, it seems, the first may become the last.

Small dioceses - especially in "missionary" regions - consistently attracted more converts and more new priests.

"It sounds strange, but if you're a Catholic and you want to go where the action is, you need to go to places like Alexandria (La.) Tyler (Texas) and Biloxi (Miss.)," said Wagner. "Catholics all over America are facing unique challenges. It seems that some people are handling them better than others."

I mentioned recently that our diocese (Baton Rouge) will ordain 5 priests this year. That is WAY up from the usual zero or one. So if it were for 2007 we would move WAY up the rankings ...

Here is a link to the study: The State of the Catholic Church in America, Diocese by Diocese

I love how they point out the magazine is "conservative" in the two external articles I have seen about this ... Like that somehow makes the objective results "suspect". One ought to wonder why conservative dioceses tend to fare well in rankings where conversions and ordinations are considered. It has nothing to do with the bias of the magazine .... see previous post on Solving your vocations problem.

Mardi Gras Prayer - I appreciated this post from Happy Catholic. Mardi Gras can be overwhelming around here ... Good to give it some perspective.

Vatican conference to explore authority of conscience

While recognizing the duty to respect the individual conscience, the bishop added that “conscience must be both well informed and well formed.”

Anglicans and Catholics Take "The Times" to Task, Prelates Clarify Upcoming Document Of course today this is cited more by critics of sloppy religion reporting on the part of the London Times than it was yesterday where it was a great sign of hope. Was this the same paper that indicated that the Church would be changing its tune on contraception?

Mainstream media and its sloppy treatment of religion is a significant reason why people are seeking alternative outlets for their news. Either they are out of touch or getting the facts straight is not a high priority for them. Both thoughts are disturbing to say the least.

Bella, the movie we need to see.

This looks promising. Very promising

An Introvert Stands Up for The Right to Stand Alone

For a second I thought this was some intriguing legal battle ... but its not.

I wonder if we can somehow work this into ensuring that I don't have to hold hands with people during the Our Father ... Next time that happens at your church note the awkward shifting of persons between that moment and the peace. There is a reason for it. Introverts are getting some semblance of dignity back in preparation for the peace which is most likely their least favorite part of mass. Meanwhile extroverts are preparing for the exhilarating queue of handshakes and terse exchanges to follow.

People insist that I am an extrovert because I will talk to random people in a grocery store. No ... thats just being polite. I still enjoy my time alone. In fact, I need my time alone.

You see it time and time again. Arianism here. Nestorianism there.

Nine out of ten of what we call new ideas are simply old mistakes. The Catholic Church has for one of her chief duties that of preventing people from making those old mistakes; from making them over and over again forever, as people always do if they are left to themselves. -- Why I am a Catholic by G.K. Chesterton

We welcomed home our 4th child today and we are SO glad to be here ...

I won't go into the whole birth story yet (the full story is here) ... The short version is that my wife labored as best she could moving closer and closer to the hospital as things progressed. We entered the hospital at 6:30 pm. My wife was at 7-8 cm. He was born a little over 3 hours later.

Got a little friction from the doctor because he did not have a copy of our records and was concerned about the scar from the previous section.

Successful VBAC, 10 lbs 4 oz, 21.5 cm ...

All in all we had what we consider to be a complete success. I will post later some thoughts on the whole matter.

Austrian bishop stirs passions with talk of excommunication

Renowned documentary on monastic life makes US debut